Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Stolen from Greg...

I refuse to fall into the "25 Things" trap, so... with that being said, I give you: Yes or No.

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? Yes, strangely enough, a few of them!
Been arrested? Yes. I plead the Fif on the details.
Kissed someone you didn't like? Yes. Who hasn't?
Slept in until 5 PM? Yes, but I was REEEAALLLY sick!
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes, countless times!
Held a snake? Yes, for sure.
Ran a red light? Oh yes!
Been suspended from school? Yes.
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? Yes and No: I've never totaled MY OWN car, but was in a car whilst it was getting totaled in an accident.
Been fired from a job? Yes.
Sang karaoke? Yes, one too many times!
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes! Who hasn't!?!?
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes.. like once a week!
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes... sadly, I've also caught a snowball on my tongue.. sad day.
Kissed in the rain? Yes. Nothin' finer!
Sang in the shower? YES
Sat on a rooftop? YES
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes! Payback is a beast!!
Broken a bone? Surprisingly, no.
Shaved your head? Yep.
Blacked out from drinking? Sadly, yes. Kids: Do NOT drink, or do drugs, or anything else that is it stupid!
Played a prank on someone? Um... have you met me before!? YES!
Felt like killing someone? Yes. Who hasn't?
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes, sadly...
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Yes, of course!!
Been in a band? Haha.. Yes, one or two... :-)
Shot a gun? Again: Haha... Yes, one or two...
Donated Blood? Yes, all the time: Type O Neg!
Eaten alligator meat? I live in SWFL... of course I've eaten gator!!
Eaten cheesecake? Yes... love it!
Still love someone you shouldn't? Yes. Jesus called us to love EVERYONE whether we like them or not.
Think about the future? Yes, all day every day.
Believe in love? Yes, all day every day.
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes, whichever side is closest to the door... gotta protect my fizamily!
Talk in your sleep? Yes, evidently...
Laughed until you peed your pants? Yes, sadly.
Spend too much time on Facebook? Yes, definitely!
Play a musical instrument? Again: Haha... yes, one or two..
Lived outside of the country? Depends on what you mean by "lived outside of the country" I have been outside of the country, and was alive whilst doing so... thus 'living' outside of the country.
Been skinny dipping? Yes and No: I have, but when you're my size it's either called Tubby Dipping or Chunky Dunkin'.
Gone sky diving? Not yet... but one day: YES!
Dated someone longer than you should have? Yes, but God still used it to teach me a ton of lessons!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I'm sitting here watching the Inauguration of Barack Obama... Talking with a buddy of mine in Kenya...

He congratulated me.

I asked why?

"Congrats on Obama!" He said.

"Thanks... I suppose..." my reply.

"EVERYONE is talking about it here in Kenya! Obama is going to change the world!" He continued.

I don't think that we stop to notice that even in our crazy economy and with everything our country is going through, the WORLD is still hanging on to EVERYTHING we do!

We are blessed to live in an amazing country.

We are blessed far more than we deserve.

We need to stop being the stereotypical Americans.

If you're a Christian, and you've got a problem with Obama, please keep your thoughts to yourself. Not only do you push unbelievers away from Christ himself, but you just sound ignorant. And really, who wants to sound ignorant?

Now, please understand... I did not vote for Obama... but that's who was chosen. Hearing people (especially Christians) say that the wrong person was voted in, or that this country is going to the pits of hell, are attempting to slap God's face right off of his face.

What gall you have, to say that something that God has allowed is WRONG! Good luck with that.

Obviously God has allowed Obama to lead this GREAT nation for a reason. Suck it up and deal with it... who knows... you might even like him... :-)

So yeah, moral of the story... stop being ignorant and stupid and hateful and ugly. Okaythanksbye.

Monday, December 1, 2008

My wife said...

...the "F" word again last night. For the 4th time since we've been together.

She's so trashy...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

1 . Where did you meet? At an internet chat room for female chubby chasers.

2. How long did you date? We never dated. There was just a period that we were together that we were not married... we affectionately refer to that as "The Dark Ages"

3. How long have you been married? 408 days. (But who's counting...?)

4. What does she say that surprises you? The "F" word. She's said it 3 times since we've been together. They were all accidents, but she said it none-the-less... she's filthy.

5. What is your favorite feature of hers's?
• If we're being shallow: She's got a pretty sweet lil' rumpus. I like to refer to her as "Muffin Butt"...
• If we're being thoughtful: Her smile... seriously, she could melt a glacier (causing the world to be destroyed, as seen in the smash hit "The Day After Tomorrow") with that smile.

6. What is your favorite quality of hers's?
• Shallow: She's hot.
• Thoughtful: Her unbelievable heart. (You can read more here: http://anickeloradime.blogspot.com/2007/08/things-i-love.html)

7. Does she have a nickname for you? Mostly she just calls me 'Stud'. However she has never ONCE called me by my birth name, therefore every time that she has spoken to me, she's refer to me using a nickname.

8. What is her favorite color? Yellow

9. What is her favorite food? She's never met a food she didn't like. (although she's not a huge fan of chick peas, avacados, and raw onions...)

10. What is her favorite sport? Shopping.

11. When and where did you first kiss? When: One day... Where: On the lips.

12. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? Hang out with our friends. (You can typically find us in the Buzzard's Nest)

13. Do you have any children? Well... we both believe that children are the future. That we should teach them well, and let them lead the way.. perhaps show them all the beauty they possess inside... maybe give them a sense of pride to make it easier... Basically: let the children's laughter remind us how it used to be...

In other words: no... not yet. But we want some of them though... I wanna teach 'em tricks.

14. Does she have a hidden talent? Yes... putting up with me.

15. How old is he? She turned 24 this past Nov. 11

16. Who said, “I love you” first? Probably Laura, as she is a couple years older than me. I was probably still in the womb when she was saying it.

17. What is her favorite type of music? Anything that I was involved with... ESPECIALLY the Seth Thomas Band (http://www.myspace.com/seththomasmusic)

18. What do you most admire about her? Didn't we already cover this? Or is this one of those crazy personality tests that asks you if you would steal from your company 25 times using different wording... the answer is 'yes'... get over it.

19. Do you think she will read this? I'll more than likely read it TO her... she thinks my voice is sexy (so does Carolyn Vecchio)... this is not surprising. As my voice is (much like the rest of me) QUITE sexy.

So, that's it kiddos... my monthly blog post. Enjoy.


Monday, September 8, 2008

Three Little Words...

As most of you may know: I, Slim Gillian, am a story teller.

My life is crazy. The most insane things happen to me...

I like to recall these tales of my journeys to friends and strangers alike. This is why I talk a lot.

People, most of the time, assume that these simple narratives are but mere lies, exaggerations at best. While I must admit that there are some mildly embellished pieces to the puzzle of my life, I assure you that those elaborations are quite minimal.

I like telling stories.

I like captivating an audience, whether they be great in number, or simply the handful of people who read the ramblings that are my blog posts.

More than telling true stories, I love calling on my thespian training and creating stories on the fly.

I love it when a simple question is asked of me, and I can respond with a twisted tale of castles, dragons, hookers and the like.

I could simply lie: a nonchalant "yes" or "no", perhaps even a "maybe" here and there.

But what's the fun in that?

Sometimes it's not even important things. Consider this scenario:

My older brother, Brad (or as he is more affectionately known: The Bishop) and myself look nearly identical. Only a mere 11 months apart, an inch or two away in size, fairly close in weight and build... similar facial hair styling... some even say that we talk alike. Obviously, we're brothers.

Man: (to my brother and me) "Man, are you guys brothers!??!"
Me: "You would not believe how many times I've heard that..."
Man: "You must've heard it since you were kids!"
Me: "Yeah, not so much. Surprisingly we're not related. We started playing in a band together in Chicago back in 2003, and just kinda moved around together since. But we get that ALL the time."

You ask "Seriously!?"

"But why!?" you continue to think...

The answer?

The story.

This guy will now walk away... thinking "Man, I've known Brad for some time and he's never mentioned that he's from Chicago." or "Man, it's crazy.. they look JUST a like."

Now this may seem insignificant to you... but imagine my amusement. Not just in the immediate situation, but when I get a phone call from my elder sibling informing me that some guy is has been confused for days about some 'Chicago' story.

I laugh.

Now that was merely an example of an insignificant story... my tall tales are normally much more extravagant... much more elaborately decorated.

I've told some whoppers in my day....

Some have made people laugh...

...others cry...

Some weep...

Some have even made people questions everything they about me, themselves, and life in general.

I wont post those here. Primarily because you don't got that kinda time.

I'm sure that Laura wouldn't mind telling you some of the horror stories that I've put her through.

These are not simple stories... there's entire backgrounds for the story, its location and every character involved.

Why do I do it?

The sport.

If weaving tales of misguided youth, morbid obscenities and cows was an Olympic event, you could consider me Michael Phelps.. not just because of my witty talent, but rather my goods look and killer physique without a shirt on.

Anyway... I'm getting off subject here....

You know... the reason for this post...

Being that I'm a story teller, I like to put people on the spot. To see how they react when put into certain situations. To see if they tell the truth, see if they'll lie... maybe even see if they dare to tell a story.

Now, the point:

Today I had to pick my sweet wife up from work. We drove to the bank to drop of the daily deposit for her job, and promptly headed to Tijuana Flats for an early dinner.

I got the usual... so did she.

As is my typical fashion, I always ask the people taking our order if the cookies there are "fresh baked".

I know the answer to the question: "no".

In fact, they are purchased in... unwrapped... and put into NEW wrapping that reflects the branding of 'The Flats'.

Laura laughs at me ever time and asks why I ask the question.

But no amount of explanation will ever make non-story-tellers understand the concept.

Well, today at the 'Flats' I approached the portly fellow (we'll call him "Ol' Dude") on the other side of the counter (as I held a white chocolate chip cookie in my right hand up to my nose, to take in the odor of it's tender, goodness) and simply asked: "Do you freshly bake these?"

A question that I've asked dozens of times since LoBeth and I started dating.

Every time, I get the standard response "No. We actually buy them from a company and re-wrap them."

But not this time...

This time it was...


Ol' Dude calmly, bravely and confidently proclaimed three little words "Yes, we do!"

Laura's jaw dropped, however I played it cool. Seeing that he took the bait, I wanted to push him a little.

I held up another cookie and snuffed it like a fine summer wine.

"How 'bout these? You fresh bake these too?"

"Sure do!" his response.

"Hmmmm..." a simple noise was my retort.

I went on to ask "When do you bake them? In the morning? Night?"

"Every morning." he muttered.

"Wow... It must be tough to be in here when the cookies are baking... freshly?" I state.

"Oh man! It's the hardest part of my job!" he says.

I think to myself "Wow. He's a story teller... albeit a bad one... but a teller none-the-less".

Now that you've read the 833 words in the post (up to this point anyway... [yeah, I counted them]) you should be asking yourself "Why? Why such a long post for so little actual content?"

But for the story, of course.

And they all lived happily ever after,
The Slim

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I got these cute comments the other day...

...on my "Mike Scott" blog post.

They're both pretty funny. I wish that my response could've been as funny.

Here it is, for your viewing pleasure.

Tee hee hee...

Little kids make me laugh. They're just so cute... Bill Cosby was right: Kids really DO say the darnedest things!

Especially when they try to talk like 'big boys' but aren't man enough to leave their contact information, or better yet: remain anonymous.

Since some people obviously need enlightenment, I will touch on those things covered in my these two comments.

I'll have to disregard the blatant lack of proper grammar, punctuation and capitalization in the comments from this young man or woman (I can only assume with back-to-back comments one minute apart they are from the same person)

"What a punk ass kid you are."
Punk Ass? Yes.
Kid? In the eyes of middle schoolers, not so much. In the eyes of war vets, retirees and my parents, totally.

"You are an idiot."
The famous philosopher was once quoted as saying "Stupid is, as stupid does." I'm certainly not the one posting half-witted, anonymous comments on people's blogs.

Plus, my IQ is in the low 170's... I've taken the MENSA test 3 times, and passed every time. Compare that with the national average IQ of 98, and the fact that you don't know what MENSA is, I'd say that I'm doing pretty good. But hey, what do I know? I mean, I'm only a genius and all...

"K-9 swat wanna be."
Duh. I think it was pretty obvious in the blog posting that I am, in fact, K-9 swat wanna be. Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

"You need to get back on your medication."
Sure. Lunesta is a BEAUTIFUL thing. Money is tight right now though... spare a couple bucks to get me back on my much needed meds?

"Maybe your lard ass..."
Evidently you didn't bother to read my other blog. You know, the one about my quest to lose weight.

That blog would tend to indicate that I already acknowledge the fact that I may or may not be on the 'heavy side'. Thanks, again, for pointing out the blatantly obvious.

"...would like to meet up with a true and honest officer."
If you have one to suggest, please do. Otherwise I'll just keep chit-chatting with the almost 2 dozen Lee and Collier police officers that I'm proud to call "friend" (including the great Sheriff Mike Scott).

"Just because you see a few signs around, you think you have all the answers, wrong you don't have a clue about what's going on."
Umm... okay. Good call. What was I thinking!? Thanks for opening my eyes.

"Get a life."
One like yours? I'm sure your life is pretty fabulous. Please, my email is slimwhitley@aol.com ... drop me a line... let me know how great your life is.

"Are you gay or what?"
If my options are:
A. Gay
B. What

I would have to go with "B. What". Unless you'd like me to be gay... because it seems as if you've got a 'thing' for me. I can't say that I blame you.. most men and woman find themselves instantly attracted to me. Join the club.

"You think Scott is sexy, you've got to be kidding."
Very good, I AM kidding! You picked up on the thing we grown-ups like to call "Humor". You're awesome.

"Looking at you're picture, I don't know how you even got a girl..."
If I'm such an eye-sore for you to look at, how's about you stop looking at my picture? Unless you're still hung up on your 'thing' for me. In which case, be my guest.

As far as how I got a girl:

Mostly luck. Large amounts of luck. The rest was just a little bit of class, wit, humor and fantastic hair.

"Maybe it's your sister."
I have two sisters, both are quite lovely girls. However, my wife is neither of them.

"Have you ever heard of contacts."
Seriously? That's the stab you try to take at me?

Do you walk up to everyone with glasses, call 'em "four-eyes" and ask them if they've "ever heard of contacts"? If not, I think you should. It'd be funny. I certainly hope that you will always be able to have your perfect vision that you must obviously have.

"And the peach fuzz you call a beard wow!"
A. Surprisingly it is not peach fuzz. If really is facial hair. It may LOOK like peach fuzz, but I assure you, what little bit there is, is indeed real hair.

B. That I call a beard?! I don't recall calling it a beard. I actually don't recall referring to it as anything.

C. If I WAS going to refer to my facial hair, I would certainly not call it a 'beard'. Mainly because it's not. I believe that the facial hair style that you were looking for was "Goatee". I have a goatee... not a beard.

D. I'm sorry that my hair is not as epic as yours is. Do you have any pointers for me?!

Well. Thank about concludes it. Hopefully this will help to make you understand a thing or two about me. Please feel free to email me your number, maybe address. I'd love to send you a thank you card or something.


Saturday, August 2, 2008

Satus Quo...

Those of you who know me, know that my life is, at most times, rather crazy.

Things always seems to happen at the worst times.

As the rest of my life has been, the future will be as well.

Yesterday, I was enjoying my first day of unemployment (man, how long has it been since you can say that you were jobless?!?)... wondering how in the world I was going to make things work in this step of faith that I've taken, knowing well that I don't have enough $$ to pay my bills this month...

I think it might've the thought in my head that distracted me from the fact that my car was on fire.


I was driving down 75, headed home from a recording session in Naples when my temperature gauge went from normal to overheating in about 15 seconds. I pulled over just past the Corkscrew exit and lifted up my hood to find enough flames to roast a pig on.

Now, the picture is not of my car, nor were the flames that high... I just put that in for dramatic effect...

With that being said, I believe that may have truly been the last hoorah with my car. So, if you could all keep your eyes out for a REALLY CHEAP vehicle... nothing nice.. just cheap, that would be great; as we had about $12 in the bank until the tow-truck got there and cost us $10 to tow.... So yeah... a $2 car... keep you eyes open for it...

Thanks for everything guys..